Requiem for my dad

By: Anonymous

the man who is my father
is living and breathing
somewhere in Connecticut

the first time my dad died a little
he didn’t show up
to my first art exhibit
5th grade
i made a ceramic bear jar
a hat for a lid

stupid ugly bear

the next time my dad died
he couldn’t make it
to my concert
my first solo
out fixing cars
an on call mechanic

my voice isn’t that good anyway

my dad died when i told him
the dark things that happened
and he let me walk back
into the snake pit

i don’t matter enough to protect

he died another time
another concert
another solo
a whole song this time
another car
another rich lady with a broken Mercedes got hours of my dad
i cried hours on my bed

singing is for losers
i am a loser

he died every concert after
tickets too expensive
venue too far
the burden too heavy

if i make myself less, maybe i won’t be too much

when i was 14
he died when he told me
he didn’t have time for extra visits
he wanted a family of his own someday
he couldn’t be spending all those miles and monies
on me

who needs dads anyway
I’ll be fine on my own

he wrote me letters
quoting scripture:
Prodigal Daughter
return home.

a reprimand
not an invitation

i conceded obedient
and he died again
when i saw how he played with his
new daughter
doting
new son
shining
new wife
loving

my dad died when he
didn’t write back
he died when he didn’t call
he died when i reached and he wasn’t there
wasn’t there
wasn’t there

he beamed and lauded
when i left my life
to help my sister
What an example!
Such a loving sacrifice!
I made you who you are, what a dad I am!

my dad died when he told me
there’s nothing more
than DNA between us

he died when i rejected his abuse
he died when i gave back his shame
he died when i called his lies by name
he died when i stood up for myself
he died when i walked away

my dad died
when i set myself free