By: Kat, published with permission, originally posted here in 2015.
Hi my name is… like those plainly typed paper badges where I scrawl myself into that adhesive space. Hi, my name is pen name — hi, my name is disability — expecting to be corrected for identifying with myself; that isn’t proper.
But names are identity and backstory and narrative — the interconnected tissue of my being. When I stop pretending to be anyone but myself, I am named. I’ve given myself a series of labels — not the sticky kind — the ones that come with diagnostic codes and insurance billings.
I’ve had names bequeathed upon me — quirky, autistic, wordy, enough, creative, becoming, herself, myself. But to name myself enough, and then to repeat it, feels powerful. To claim enough space for myself — identities that were mine only out of recognition, then declaration.
Perhaps a name is a story — my story — the one that begins in a cramped room with two chairs and I. Where I felt inadequate, incomplete, lacking. Missing pieces of a puzzle I had not discovered. Then throwing away the unrecognizable picture on the box. Recreating images in cut-up paper and magic markers. We start in the middle, only to find myself in loop — in between — but further from the beginning.
These words — the ones I share in illuminating dialogues — are magic. I recognize the space your child occupies. I can name it because I live a few blocks down. With a map covered in landmarks and identifying places. I don’t know what they are thinking and feeling, but I can share the value of my own story and marvel in the recognition.
To know, or feel rather, that the most painful spaces matter — where I occupy and never leave — with the figures I never invited. I am a guide, but also a traveler. We become in a space we’ve walked lengthy times, but never named or fully recognized. I am… and so are you… and in that is a community I never expected to find… where both you and I belong; a wavelength undiscovered.
Where time stretches into narrative space into naming and being; experiencing and reliving; where identities and persons blend together into place unknown. Where we find ourselves together.
In this space of now and not yet, we name ourselves and live these experiences. Merely being here now; in recognition of selves, we story on.